The actual theses, live and in person...

2006-11-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

1)You say “Gon-ZAY-Ga,” Webster says “Gon-ZAH-GA.” You can’t win a staring contest with a dictionary, fool.
2)Our Basketball team has never totally choked in the sweet sixteen.
3)Our men can grow real moustaches, the kind you can wax and hang stuff from.
4)Whitworth is located in Scenic Spokane, Washington.
Gonzaga is located in boring, drab, ugly, Spokane, Washington.
5)If Gonzaga burned down, the local community would be saddened, but only because the carcinogens from the flickering flames might contribute to global warming.
6)Guess what Whitworth’s dorms have that Gonzaga’s don’t? A little thing called ‘architecture.’
7)We would ask Gonzaga Students what they think of their cafeteria, but it’s currently after visiting hours at the Food Poisoning Hospital.
8)The prestige level of Gonzaga Prep is several hundred cubits less than the prestige level of Whitworth Prep.
9)In fact, Whitworth Prep is so exclusive that YOU probably have never even heard of it.
10)According to US News and World Report, Whitworth tops the list of Colleges Better than Gonzaga. Gonzaga got last.
11)The only US News and World Report list that Gonzaga tops is Colleges with the suffix ‘Zaga.’ (Narrowly beating out only Bozaga Online Tech.)
12)Bulldogs are best known for mauling little children.
Most historians agree that pirates have never hurt anybody.
13)The Box Office returns for Bulldogs of the Carribean was disappointing at best.
14)I once hit a Bulldog with my car. It was analogous to Dan Dickau’s NBA career.
15)Bing Crosby? The talent of Ashlee Simpson. The sincerity of Milli Vanilli. The lyrical genius of James Blunt.
16)Also, “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas?” Seems like a song that would be a big hit in Idaho, if you know what I mean.
17)St. Aloysius Gonzaga? Resurrected the Black Plague in an attempt to kill Pope Innocent the XI.
18)Satan’s real name is Lucifer, though all his friends call him St. Aloysius Gonzaga.
19)While the Pope may be infallible, Whitworth President Bill Robinson is infallibler.
20)While Whitworth President Bill Robinson is strong and ruggedly handsome, with a cleft chin and chiseled features, Robert Spitzer is weak and sickly with a small bladder.
21)Bill Robinson spends his weekends fighting bears and dragons. The only thing that Father Robert Spitzer fights is his own crippling self-doubt.
22)As a small child, Bill Robinson plugged a hole in a dike with his finger, saving all of Holland.
Robert Spitzer couldn’t even plug the massive holes in the logic of his doctoral dissertation: A Study of Objectively Real Time.
23)Spitzer’s book: The Spirit of Leadership is currently 438,348th at Amazon.com. Bill Robinson’s most recent book, Tuesdays with the Harry Potter Code is doing much better.
24)Robert Spitzer is often late for staff meetings. Time itself waits for Bill Robinson.
25)Bill Robinson could eat the Al’s Roadside Diner Big Bertha 32lb Carnivore Steak Special in one sitting, even after filling up on Cheezy Bread beforehand. All Robert Spitzer eats is a fistful of gravel as other College Presidents throw him to the ground.
26)Bill Robinson never says “Surrender.” Robert Spitzer can’t say surrender either, but only because he can’t pronounce his “r’s”
27)Bill Robinson can lead a horse to water AND make him drink, simply through calm and reasoned discussion. Robert Spitzer couldn’t lead a lemming off a street curb.
28)Bill Robinson’s actual name is William P. Robinson, but he answers to Bill, President Robinson, and B-Rob. You can call him: “Sir.”
29)Bill Robinson never forgets a student’s name. Robert Spitzer can’t remember the Alamo, the Titans, or the name of his parole officer.
30)If Bill Robinson met Robert Spitzer, Spitzer would feel respected, honored, and listened too. That’s how good of an actor Bill Robinson is.
31)Robert Spitzer is so fundamentalist that he won’t even eat Cobb salad because of the deviled eggs.
32)Robert Spitzer is a strict vegan. Bill Robinson only eats animals he’s strangled with his two bare hands.
33)Bill Robinson has a massive collage made from all his Purple hearts, Medals of Honor, and Stanley Cups. Robert Spitzer’s most prized possession is a Certificate of Participation for a grade school chess tournament. And it’s a forgery.
34)When Bill Robinson dueled Satan in a fiddle playing contest, Robinson played so furiously that the Devil gave him Robert Spitzer’s soul as a bonus prize. Robinson later traded it for a Tic-Tac.
35)Robert Spitzer lost a Tap Dancing contest to a drunken Stephen Hawking.
36)Bill Robinson can change traffic lights with his mind, by sheer force of will. Robert Spitzer can’t even change his underwear without first checking with the Board of Trustees.
37)They named an entire teaching theatre after Bill Robinson. Still, there’s always the Robert Spitzer Memorial Bronzed Urinal Cake. So you got that going for you. Which is nice.
38)How come you never hear about Gonzaga’s Football team? Just saying.
39)The Student to Good Teacher Ratio at Whitworth is 32 to 1. The Student to Good Teacher Ratio at Gonzaga is: DIVIDE BY ZERO ERROR.
40)"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "G.U." "G.U. better put down that you went to SFCC, instead of Gonzaga, if you ever want to be hired."
41)And in the category of “Closest to Taco Bell” the Winner is… the envelope please…
It’s Whitworth College in a sweep!
42)Gonzaga’s momma is soooo fat that, according to the American Dietetic Association, she’s clinically obese.
43)Gonzaga named their mascot after a character on the hit Joss Whedon television show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. NERRRRRRDS!
44)Mark Few may look like Kevin Bacon, but frankly, Kevin’s a better basketball coach. And dancer. And astronaut. And giant worm fighting-handyman.
45)When asked why they decided to drink Alcohol in moderation the Whitworth Student replied, “Alcohol has caused so much pain in so many families that I couldn’t bear to get caught up in that lifestyle. Plus, I like to be able to wake up where I choose each morning.” The Gonzaga student responded by throwing up and passing out on the linoleum.
46)The Gonzaga Student Government spent over $4,500 to help advertise a new Student Government slogan. But to be fair, Whitworth spends its money on some crazy things as well. Like, you know, giving money to starving children in Africa.
47)Whitworth starts with a “W,” which stands for Winning. Gonzaga starts with a G, which stands for “Giving up after getting hit in the eye with a tennis ball.”
48)Gonzaga maintains contact with over 300,000 Alumni. They ask Gonzaga to stop calling them, but Gonzaga thinks that “she still cares for me, she just doesn’t know it yet.”
49)Each year, Whitworth converts one of their dorms into a haunted house. Every dorm at Gonzaga is like a haunted house, thanks to poor wiring and electrical engineering!
50)Gonzaga has a prominent statue of St. Aloysius Gonzaga holding a leper. Ewww! Lepers are disgusting!
51)While a fight between Pope Benedict the XVI and the entire Presbyterian Church would be horrific, with massive casualties on both sides, the Presbyterian Church would win by sheer numbers.
52)We would make fun of some kind of disconnect between what the priesthood teaches and what they actually do, but we can’t find any examples of this.
53)Most Gonzaga students can only afford to pay tuition by selling indulgences.
54)Whitworth successfully warded off the influences of nearby cults. Gonzaga, however, finds itself firmly enmeshed in the latest cult to grip our nation: The Catholic Church.
55)We Presbyterians pray to Jesus, instead of Joseph Smith like you Catholics.
56)Even if we had Saints, they would have better things to do than appear on Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.
57)As far as communion is concerned, drinking Grape Juice or Wine is even more tasty than drinking human blood. Also, less risk of AIDS.
58)Whitworth has a MUCH Bigger Ugly.
59)Gonzaga has a 90% freshman-to-sophomore retention rate, in the same way that that skin-wearing guy from Silence of the Lambs has a 100% dungeon-pit retention rate.
60)Gonzaga’s FAFSA code is 003778. Honestly, can you think of a stupider number?
61)Gonzaga women never receive creepy phone calls from 43-year old stalkers, and for a good reason.
Stalkers only call pretty girls.
62)Gonzaga's former gymnasium was known as "The Kennel," after the distinctive smell.
63)Go Gonzaga! G-O-N-Z-A-G-A! Go Gonzaga! G-O-N-Z-A-G-A!... … … … Heheh. Just kidding.
64)Gonzaga is proud of having a law school. Whitworth doesn’t need a law school, because at Whitworth,
Bill Robinson is the law.
65)Gonzaga’s Stalkernet stalks with 20% less efficiency than Whitworth's Stalkernet.
66)Anything GU can do we can do better, we can do anything better than GU. No you can’t! Yes we can!
No, you can’t. Yes we can!
67)Intellectually, Gonzaga students are about half as smart at the average Whitworth students. That's why most Gonzaga students are known as Half-Whits.
68)The Whitworth guy-girl ratio? How do the words “Two girls for ev-er-y boy” sound to you?
69)The squirrels at Whitworth can usually be found scampering about gleefully from branch to branch, playfully digging for nuts. The squirrels at Gonzaga can usually be found at the end of a pineneedle noose, suicide note scrawled in the nearby dust.
70)Recently a Gonzaga construction site burned itself down, just to avoid being associated with Gonzaga.
71)Whitworth’s motto is “An Education of the Mind and Heart.”
Gonzaga’s Motto is “Would you like fries with that?”
72)Whitworth guys can't help but drool at the bevy of beautiful Whitworth girls. Gonzaga guys can't help but drool because they're retarded.
73)While Gonzaga Basketball star J.P. Batista wasn’t picked for the 2006 NBA draft he is welcome to be the manager for the St. Charles Junior High Basketball Camp.
74)Every Zag that gets an SAT score over 1300 automatically gets tenure. And that’s for the NEW SAT.
75)Many of the Gonzaga Cheerleaders do not meet Western Contemporary Standards of Beauty.
76)Most Whitworth parties require guests wear a formal dress or snazzy tuxedo. Most Gonzaga parties require guests to wear a lampshade.
77)Gonzaga is sometimes jokingly referred to by its attendees as “a liberal oasis in a conservative desert.” Gonzaga is also sometimes jokingly referred to as “a University.”
78)Whitworth is only changing its name because Gonzaga won’t stop following her.
79)Gonzaga changed its name to Gonzaga University as well, an improvement over its previous name: Gonzaga Fat Camp.
80)A drunk Gonzaga once drove its car off the bridge, leaving the prostitute inside to drown.
81)Gonzaga is directly responsible for the Vietnam War, the Hindenburg crash, and the According to Jim. Google it. You’ll find your proof.
82)Gonzaga’s parents’ never told him he was adopted.
83)After finishing the milk, Gonzaga puts the empty carton back in the fridge.
84)Most Gonzaga professors are so promiscuous that students call most of them “Father.” It’s easier than paternity tests.
85)Whitworth buy their girlfriends the finest diamond rings. Gonzaga students think “Da Beers” is either a funny line from a SNL skit, or the only thing in their refrigerators.
86)Whitworth students are renowned for catching pinecones. The only thing that Gonzaga students
can catch is herpes.
87)Many Whitworth students fall in love. Sadly, love doesn’t exist on the Gonzaga Campus. Only monochromatic shades of apathy and disappointment.
88)Whitworth can be anagrammed to spell “With Worth” “Gonzaga University” scrambles to say
“Vaginas ruin zygotes.” Not quite as inspirational.
89)Most Whitworth Students die saving puppies from burning orphanages. Gonzaga deaths are mostly Alcohol and World of Warcraft related.
90)Whitworth students don’t even need a meal plan, what with all the manna and quail raining from heaven.
91)Our grass is greener. A color wheel can prove it.
92)A HUB is the center of the wheel. A COG is just another gear in the machine.
93)I heard if a Jesuit bites you… you become one…
94)I didn’t want it to come to this, but to be honest: Gonzaga poops their pants.
95)And the number 95 reason, that Whitworth’s better than Gonzaga… WE HAVE 94 GOOD REASONS THAT WHITWORTH IS BETTER THAN GONZAGA.

some pictures

2006-11-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Some memorable reformation day moments...

Whitworth's 95 Theses

The Whitworth 95 in the news...

The actual theses, live and in person...

some pictures